it's like a fading dream

lyrics

Tue, 25 Nov 2003 03:37:59 GMT

Creation imperfect.Do you defy this? Could you and your swollen ego fit into my master plan for failure? I take the shame to heart and lock it away in a place thats sees not the light of day. I will use it when i see your face again. Your head in your hands and this is my cue, if three words could heal you I would only speak two, your eyelids grow heavy and this is my cue. If three words could heal you i'd only speak two.How could you think after all you put me through and all you put on my shoulders that I would answer your cries for help? Unleash the rage built up in my throat. Show how you hurt me and hopefully you see you have the power to destroy my will to live.

Mon, 24 Nov 2003 02:43:06 GMT

It's been a while since I have actually sat down and updated. A lot has been going on in my life. Well, not really a lot I suppose, but things that have been driving me insane. I feel alone all the time, no matter where I am or who I am with. It's awkward and I don't really know why I feel that way. I hate that feeling so much. I also feel a bit useless since winter line has started up and of course I am not section leader...again. That kills me on the inside. My little heart just falls the ground every time I think about how I am not going to be out there receiving awards for my section. Well, they are my section. They listen to me... I just don't have the name.

Next year, I can't wait. I am going to take a couple of art classes, speech, trigonometry, econ, and maybe band. I am going to be making easy A's. This summer I am taking Cal at IU East and an English course. I just can't wait to graduate. It's going to be grand. No school, no drama, no drumline, no nothing. Just some EMT work on the side to get ready to pay for college... Fashion Institute of Technology. Ah, yes. Possible.

On a sooner note...this week at school is only a three day weekend. I am excited and I am not going to do to any of my work. Oh well, I am raising my grades as I am updating...furthering my knowledge for AP History. Indeed a wonderful thing. I am going to Brand New on Wednesday, hopefully I wont get jumped. That would be such a sad story, wouldn't it? If I got beat up at a Brand New concert? I'd think so. I am glad Hot Rod Circuit is coming around with 'em. Vagrant America Tour with Alkaline Trio, Reggie & The Full Effect, From Autumn To Ashes, & Moneen will be fucking great on December 10th. And I am going to sound really homo, but the next day Mae is playing. I <3 Mae. But they are with Something Corporate...and I am not all up on that. Hmmp, decisions. I shall go. Who will I go with? If you want to go to Mae with me, please let me know. I wont feel like such a fag...

I don't know what to write about anymore, some of the shit I say gets me into a ton of trouble, but in all honesty I don't really care. One bit. See there I go. I can't wait to get on with my life and go places and do things. Yes, thank you for your time.

Answer one question please.

Sun, 23 Nov 2003 02:36:05 GMT

What does it take to be happy?

Sun, 16 Nov 2003 00:42:34 GMT

It's been a while since I have posted anything. I don't know why, most likely because I have been lazy and doing nothing with my time. Well a lot has been happening. So much actually that I just want to block out and not have happening. I find myself not happy a lot of the time though, as I am missing something. Who knows. My room is looking sharp. Only a few more things to be done and that's it, complete. Next week is opening night for our plays. I am excited. Nervous though, this is my first time ever being in a play. Hmmp, but I am going to keep at it. Gosh, I can't wait until we get to bow in front of everyone and everyone will cheer and I wont quit smiling until the week after. The cast after party is at my house. About 30-40 people will be here at my house. I am scared. What if they burn the place down? Uh. Yes. I am done updating. I am getting a new code soon to get a new journal. I hate the name of this one.

Penny

Mon, 10 Nov 2003 05:18:33 GMT

It's late. I don't know why I do this to myself. Why I stay up all night knowing I am going to be tired in the morning and all throughout the day. Hmmp. That makes me wonder. I bet everyone does that sometimes. I mean, just don't sleep for a night and try to go off of nothing. Eh, who knows. I started repainting my room today. It's coral. It's going to be very pretty. I cannot wait to actually have my own bed that is going to be all comfy and then I will never want to leave my room again. That sounds so good. You know I turn 18 somewhat soon. That makes me really happy. I mean 6 months isn't all that far away if you think about it. Next year, I will only have 9 more weeks of high school left until I am done. FOREVER with high school. I am graduating mid-term next year so I can get my EMT certification so I can work all of second semester and get money for college that next fall. I am excited. I already talk to my mom about it, she said she didn't want me getting into a hurry, but then again she doesn't blame me. Who wouldn't want to leave? Hmmp, I am thinking already about what I am going to do for college, I have it narrowed down to a few things: Private Investigator, Interior Decorator, Music teacher, or a plain simple doctor. I don't know yet. What do you want to be when you grow up? All I know is that whatever choice I make, it will be a good one and hopefully it will make me happy. I hate those 9 to 5 jobs that everyone seems to have. I don't want a job like that. I don't know what I am rambling on about and about. I just have so many goals in mind for myself and the upcoming year it's unbelievable. I am going to be so busy. Tomorrow I have exactly two weeks to get the lines down for a play that I just got put in. I have no clue what is going on because this is my first one at the high school. Hmmp, Confused yet? I am. Goodnight, I need to quit harming my body. Oh yes.

Trash

Mon, 03 Nov 2003 12:25:50 GMT

It's 7:20 basically, my brother and I just got back from eating at Sunshine along with going to Wal-Mart to play in the toy section got some crap for our hair and then left. It was so dark and so cool this morning. I loved it. I love darkness...the nightime is my favorite time, but not busy night life...the slow peaceful kind. Yes, I don't want to go to school today. Right now my mom is in surgery. We are going to get her pretty flowers after school then drive about 90 minutes to go see her. God, I hope she's okay. This morning, very early I might add, she came into my room to tell me good-bye and she actually told me she loved me. Very touching for me at least. I always thought she hated me. But it's time for school, it's time for another day that seems to be like the rest

I don't know what to say

Sat, 01 Nov 2003 06:16:22 GMT

Well, I had a wonderful evening. That's all I need to say.

When I came home my brother was lying on the couch ... and when I came in he stated "Don't let Jesse let the pennies out" Jesse being our dog ... and "the pennies?" I asked. He said, "Yeah those copper things, stupid." This confuses me. I don't know what he was thinking.

Tell me something of value, something untrue

Fri, 31 Oct 2003 01:58:26 GMT

Me I'm in my bedroom drawing in my notebook
Because my hand thinks I'm an artist
But my heart knows I'm a poet
It's just words they mean so little to me
I can't seem to deal with total trust
There is something very wrong with me

Stupid lyric here

Fri, 31 Oct 2003 01:56:08 GMT

You know what... I'm tired of chasing after people that would never chase after me. It's insanely stupid for me to do this. I wouldn't know how it would feel for someone to actually want me. And not want to change me. Yeah, but I couldn't blame them. I wouldn't want me either. I just get so confused...and the only time I even update this pathetic "live journal" is when I just don't want to talk, or well see I don't even frigging know. I just want to be normal for once. But what is normal? I want to think normal. I don't want to be so stupid sad kid. I don't want to be me. I don't like it. It seems everyday, some things get better, but others they just get worse and worse. I can't help it either. I don't know why. It's like it just happens. I don't have any say in it at all. Who knows, maybe I am going insane...crazy...Or maybe I just can't talk shit that happens around here. All I know is that it needs to go away...all the thoughts, all the anger, all the nonsense.

Does it really matter?

Fri, 31 Oct 2003 00:05:40 GMT

I never know exactly what I am thinking...never. It's always so mixed, so not real. I suppose sometimes I just don't want to know what I think. Knowing it will be bad, or something completely opposite of content. I find myself asking questions, questions that should never be asked. For everything that happens, I get hurt. Somehow, I always let it hurt me. No matter what it is. That kills me. I can't stop it one bit, and I don't know why. I AM SUCH A FUCKING RETARD! Why am I the way I am? Does anyone know? Can anyone help me? Too many questions, that will never be answered.